It's been a LOOOOONG time since I had an opportunity to post anything, and there's been a very good reason for it. After four years, a slew of different jobs, and a baby, I finally graduated from law school in May of this year; a life-long goal that was in the making for 20 years, but in all those years of planning for my success, having a baby when I was so close to the finish line was not part of the plan. It turns out, it should have been!
When I found out that I was pregnant I literally had a panic attack in the doctor's office. I thought that my legal career had ended before it ever began. After all, what crazy person has a kid while they're in law school. Well, it turns out plenty of people do, so I figured so could I. As time passed, I realized that there was nothing that could get in the way of me finishing what I started because, inevitably, there would come a day when that sweet little baby would walk up to me and say, "Mommy, I can't do it. It's just too hard."
Too hard... Too hard is waking up at 7 a.m. to be at work by 8, working until 5 p.m. to be at school by 6, finish with school by 9:30 (hopefully), home by 10, and study until 2 or 3 a.m., only to get a few hours of sleep before having to wake up and repeat it all over again... for five months! Too hard is staying up all night feeding a newborn baby, then realizing it's Saturday morning and time to go to class (but you haven't gotten more than 6 hours of sleep in the last 60 hours) and hitting your husband's prized possession (his car) as you back out of the driveway. Too hard is working two jobs, doing clinic, juggling a full class load, and getting home in time to make dinner. I've learned a lot about "too hard" in the last four years. I've also learned that despite it all, it would have been far more difficult for me to give up, live with the guilt of an unfinished dream, and have to explain to my daughter that I had to give up because I became a mom. That would violate everything I stand for as a woman, and everything I know to be true.
Almost immediately after graduating from law school, I had to start studying for the Bar. It's an all-consuming business, studying for the Bar. I was recently advised that I should be devoting 10-12 hours per day studying and reviewing. I wake up, spend about an hour if I'm lucky with Ayla and Adrian (which is mostly spent getting ready) before heading out the door to either run errands or head straight to the library. I eat lunch in front of the computer, and generally don't get out of my seat for a minimum of seven to eight hours. If I'm lucky, I'll get to FaceTime with Ayla and Adrian for about five minutes before going back to my "hole" (my study carrel). I generally leave the library just in time to get home and tuck Ayla in to bed. Many nights, I end up having to continue studying after Ayla goes to bed. It's not 10-12 hours worth every day, but I'm keeping up. It's been tough thus far, and I'm not even over the worst of it yet.
So what's my point? Well, as studying for the Bar has helped me to appreciate more than ever, being a mom and a wife is actually the secret to my sanity. In fact, I honestly think I would be a crazed mess at this point if I didn't get to come home to a squealing toddler, overeager dog, and a devoted, loving husband. How lucky am I that I get to have impromptu tea parties with Ayla and fight with Adrian about who's going to do the dishes tonight?! It's life, and it hasn't stopped because I'm studying for the Bar, a fact that a lot of my colleagues fail to remember. Luckily for me, I'm reminded every day that I don't have any other choice. The best part of my day is spending time with my little family and I can't afford to give that up. After all, they're going to be the ones who either help me celebrate if I'm successful, or pick up the pieces and start over again if I'm not.
It's a heck of a thing getting everything you want out of life. It's even better when you get more than you bargained for. Twenty years ago when I mapped out what I wanted for my life (yes, I was a weird kid), I never planned on being a wife and a mom before I became a lawyer (in fact, that wasn't part of the plan at all). I was eleven years old and told myself and everyone else I would never get married or have kids; they would interfere with me getting what I wanted. It's a good thing that Someone Else was looking out for me; Someone that knew better, because, as it turns out, I wouldn't have what I wanted all those years ago without them! But the last four years have spoiled me. They've made me believe that anything truly is possible if you work hard enough. Only time will tell if I pass the Bar the first time around or if I'll have to start from scratch in November, but come July 29th, I'll be the luckiest girl in the room with an advantage that no one else has. I get to go home to my family afterwards!
